(Okay, Friday came a little early for me this week.)
Revisitng Traditon
Cory!! had some excellent thoughts on tradition last time. I’ll address his comments more fully in another post (since they’ve generated a thought for a new post all on their own). But particularly, I’m fond of his assignment of all those “tradtions” that aren’t really traditions but are more important than habits, as being rituals. Now, being a member of a highly ritualized religion, I’m a bit embarrassed that it didn’t occur to me. Ritual has connotations of repetition, purpose, and forethought. Perfect for what I was looking for.
Background
This week, we’re going to talk about family. I’ve been thinking a lot about family lately. It’s my 30th birthday next week, and as a present to myself, I’m bringing my father up to see me. I’ve also managed to somewhat reconnect with my matrilineal family. And, I’ve been learning to live with Shoryl’s family. It makes me wonder how I define “family” (independent of the dictionary this time), and what creates that sense of family, as opposed to friendship or love.
First Circle: by Blood
There’s an easy and logical place to start. My father is family, because he’s directly related to me. Likewise with my aunts, cousin, and grandmother from my mother’s side. They’re related family, easily traceable, easily recognizable.
Now, there are people who I am directly related to by blood, that are not on that list. And I would not consider them family. My father has three brothers, each of whom I’ve met a handful of times, if that. They have spouses, and children. I don’t consider them family, either. Likewise, there’s a scattering of second cousins, great aunts, and assorted other members of the family tree on my mother’s side. Frankly, it seems silly to consider someone “family” if I can’t recognize them on the street.
I have a feeling this is different from many of you; I’ve heard of things like family reunions, but they’ve never been a part of my world. Perhaps when my dad is here in town, I’ll ask him why ours was never a close-knit family.
Second Circle: by Marriage
Once we settle the issue of family by those we are related to, marriages come into play. This naturally falls into two categories: yours, and everyone else’s.
In my family, my father has been married three times. The first was my mother, who qualified (of course!) as family-by-blood. The second woman, mercifully, I was only required to call family until she and my father divorced. And there is no way I consider that woman family any longer. Much like a tourist, she was part of our lives for a brief time, and then gone. The third woman, his current wife, married my father after I left home. Yet, she is definitely family. Other members of my family have married and divorced over the years, but they don’t have spouses now. And, in my family, and ex-spouse is not family. (Frequently also never talked about again.)
My own marriage made me family-by-marriage in Whitefox’s family. And, of course, made him a part of my family. Whitefox’s family did an admirable job trying to accept me and make me feel welcome. Yet, I never really felt like I belonged to them. They were trying to make me a part of their family, but I never considered myself part of theirs. Likewise, Whitefox was never really a part of my extended family. Part of this was due to the distance we lived from my family, and the infrequent contact. Part of it was that my family had a rather … unfavorable view of the marriage.
Dan’s family seemed to be setting themselves up to be my family, when the (in their minds) eventual marriage took place. They also tried to welcome me, but I knew that there was sort of a hidden agenda there. They wanted to see him married. So I was given status as somewhat less than a wife, until such time as that could be remedied. Since it obviously was not, his family and I really no longer have any contact. Indeed, we never had any real contact with one another excluding Dan. We were never family to one another.
Third Circle: by Adoption
Oh, I know what the dictionary means when it says “adoption” – adoption of children by parents. And if anyone in my family were adopted, it would be as if they were blood family.
But I chose my own methods of adoption, and here’s where it really gets tricky considering what is and what isn’t family (or familial obligations). Because Shoryl’s family, for instance, has accepted me with open arms, despite the fact that a marriage would take several acts of legislation. And I’m not just part of Shoryl, either. They have, apparently, accepted me as part of the family proper. Whether or not this would remain true if Shoryl and I stopped seeing each other is debatable, but for the moment, I am family to them. And they are family to me.
Here’s a telling difference, in my world: Whitefox and I lived with his parents for almost a year, and I was miserable every moment. Whenever we went to go see them after that, I was always slightly uncomfortable. I also had the opportunity to meet much of Dan’s family. And, despite how welcoming they seemed to be, I was never comfortable there, always standing on ceremony or retreating shyly into a corner. But here I am, happily living with Shoryl and her sister and her father. The house is a peaceful one. Not only has Shoryl’s family adopted me, but I’ve also adopted them.
Conclusions Maybe that’s really at the heart of it. Family is a two-way street. Whitefox’s parents would have said I was family. Would I have said they were mine? No, probably not. Would my extended relatives claim kinship with me? It’s questionable, but some might, where I would not. Everyone in a family needs to think the same thing: we are family. Because you can claim someone is part of your family, and even treat them like they are, but if they don’t feel that same connection with you, it’s not family.
**This has been an opinion courtesy of SilverRose. If you’re still here, I’m grateful. Comments, thoughts, and arguments fervently requested.
