So, here we are again. It’s Friday, and in an attempt to force myself to post more regularly (and to space out the textile posts), I’m introducing Friday’s crunchy questions. I’m a bit of an armchair sociologist, psychologist, biologist, and all-around theorist. Though I’ve never been formally trained, I love being able to look at the world around me and really think about it. Many of these questions will come from one (or more) of the various subcultures I’m a part of. So on Fridays, I’m going to post what my brain has been chewing on lately. And everyone can actually comment, and tell me what you think. I’ll revisit the topic the next Friday, before moving on to my next comment/theory/question.
Background
I met a man that Shoryl is friends with. Generally, I’m very reserved around people I’ve just met, but Shoryl tends to mitigate this tendency, so I was more talkative than usual. I noticed, though, that he always looked at me oddly when I spoke, then failed to answer me. I thought that maybe I was confusing him. After all, my little world can be very strange. When I brought this up to Shoryl on the bus the next morning she said it might be because “you think like a butch girl, but you’re so not.”
First, this made me think about how a “butch girl” would think, and why that isn’t expected of me. That very specific question led to more general pondering of what traits are commonly thought of as “butch” or “femme.” They’re convenient category labels to use, and there’s usually no question about which one a given woman would be. However, just because we can point at someone and say “she’s femme,” that doesn’t mean that we really know what exactly we’re pointing at. I am indeed femme, from the roots of my long curly hair to the tips of my high heels. But it must be something deeper than looks that we recognize when we slap on that label, else no statement would be able to be made about what a butch girl thinks like, and why it’s unusual for me to think that way.
The Question
What factors determine “butch” and “femme?” Is there a dividing line? Is there one definitive trait that says “I don’t care if you don’t have any other feminine traits, if you have ________, you’re femme.” Is it more than just a label to describe physical attributes – does it, in fact, say something about how you view the world around you?
To be clear, what I’m discussing here refers to artificially imposed labels – not necessarily how you or I view ourselves, but how I would view you. Therefore, I can say someone is “butch,” and they are free to disagree with me, but that’s today’s topic: when an outsider labels someone as butch or femme, what characteristics are they actually identifying?
Ready?
What do “They” Say?
I figured it would be a good starting point to figure out just what the majority of the world – as represented by various dictionaries – thought the terms meant.
Dictionary.com had this to say:
Butch: Slang. a lesbian, esp. one notably masculine in manner or appearance. Femme: a lesbian who is notably feminine in appearance.
Interestingly, both definitions specify that the terms are used to refer to lesbians, and both mention giving the “appearance” of one gender or the other. I’ll come back to that in just a moment.
The Online Etymology Dictionary tells us:
Butch: "tough youth," 1902, sense of "aggressive lesbian" is 1940s. Femme: from Fr., lit. "woman." Slang meaning "passive and more feminine partner in a lesbian couple" is first attested 1961.
Here, the focus is not on appearance, it’s on the role each partner plays in a relationship: passive or aggressive.
So, from the dictionaries, we have a place to start:
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Both terms refer specifically to lesbians.
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Butch women have the “manner or appearance” of masculinity, while femme women have the “appearance” of femininity.
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Butch women are “aggressive” and femme women are “passive and more feminine.”
Why That’s Not Good Enough
So why isn’t this enough for me? They’re clear, concise definitions that, on the surface at least, are reasonably accurate. Indeed, they are reasonably accurate. But that doesn’t really get me any closer to what really defines butch or femme. Here’s why:
First, limiting the definitions to only lesbians takes the focus off of the use of the terms to describe a set of characteristics, and makes them focused solely on sexual orientation. What if you don’t know? What if you refer to someone as butch, then find out she’s straight? Do you say “Oops, sorry. I mean you’re very masculine and aggressive?” What if you’re referring to a woman that’s bisexual? (For that matter, is a “lesbian” any woman who dates women, or only those who exclusively date women? But that’s a question for another time.)
Next up is the idea that a butch or femme woman gives the “appearance” of either masculinity or femininity. I’m really not against that, and it’s largely what I’ll be talking about later, except for one thing: in an age where we can’t even decide what’s masculine or feminine within the same sex as the person who’s expressing it, how can we know outside of that? In other words, if we can’t decide when a man is “manly,” how on earth will we know if a woman is? Men knit; would they be “femme?” Women fix computers; would they be “butch?” (They might be – but is that the only characteristic needed?)
The terms “aggressive” and “passive” offer the same pitfalls. What is aggression, in this sense? Violence, or just knowing what you want and how to get it? Is passiveness giving in to your partner’s every whim, or is it being polite and reserved?
These definitions suffer from being both too restricting and too broad. On the one hand, we can only use the term to describe lesbians, and on the other, we’re assigning sets of characteristics that we can’t even define.
Can You Do Better?
Maybe; maybe not. I can certainly be more thorough.
Let’s go back to the “appearance of” masculinity or femininity. Quickly brainstorming, I came up with the following thoughts:
These are all easy, recognizable things, and they’re meant to be. We are, after all, going for appearances.
But one of them is even easier than the rest, and that’s body type. Because she is, quite frankly, the most butch woman I know, and know well, we’re going to pick on Shoryl. (To be fair, we’re going to be picking on me, too.) We’ve seen Shoryl in a suit. She is slender and tall, with broad shoulders, a minimal bust, and muscular legs. She could, if she wanted to, pass for a young man with very little effort (and does, sometimes, whether she wants to or not). Shoryl’s body type lends itself to the “appearance of masculinity.” By contrast, I am of an average (female) height and plump, with ample bust and hips, and delicate ankles and wrists. There is absolutely no way that I will ever not give the “appearance of femininity,” no matter what I wear. Our body types lend themselves to a certain category.
In this case, it happens to be the category we identify as, but that’s not always the case. Shoryl’s sister StemmedRose is a fairly butch woman (and straight, hence the difficulty with that whole “lesbian” label). We might not have determined what, exactly makes her butch, but we’re working with the theory that it’s something you can “tell.” And StemmedRose is, while quite tall, also fairly Reubenesque in stature. She has a well defined, ample hourglass shape. Clearly, her body type is not what serves as an indication of her place in our artificial dichotomy. Body type can’t be the only determining factor, though it may be one of the first. What’s left?
Dress and grooming. So, when I showed you a picture of Shoryl, with her short, cropped hair and wearing a suit, what did you think? Monday through Thursday, she wears a dress shirt and tie to work. What does this tell you about her? Does it make her more butch? More masculine in appearance? Perhaps, but she’s also wearing earrings in both ears. Isn’t that a feminine trait, commonly? (Remember, we’re painting in broad strokes here). Let me assure you, when I wear a shirt and tie, it does not make me look particularly butch. A femme in a suit is still femme. Part of that is my body type, as discussed above, and part of that is made up of other factors. When I wear a suit, it’s “dress up.” And what do you do when you dress up? Put on makeup, of course. Add that to my long hair and delicate jewelry, and a suit is completely transformed on me. A suit does not give me the “appearance of masculinity” that it would for Shoryl. And part of that is grooming.
Well, we have one on each side of the issue again, so we’re going to continue to pick on StemmedRose for our middle ground. Like me, when StemmedRose dresses up, she’s likely to pick an actual dress. But she has short hair, too. Does it matter? As a costumer, I can tell you that the style of dress each of us would pick is an indication of our temperaments, but I’m going to rule that out as relevant only to a “professional eye.” So, she dresses like a femme, and has a butch haircut.
Dress and grooming often work hand in hand, but are clearly separate issues. This is complicated even further by the blurred androgyny in today’s clothing. Are jeans and a t-shirt masculine or feminine? Presuming they’re not tight, they’re virtually interchangeable. Earrings, necklaces? We face the same issues here as well. It’s more common than it used to be for men to wear jewelry. Dan wears more jewelry than I do, on a day-to-day basis. For that matter, Dan has longer hair than I do, which should not, in any way, be interpreted as a sign of femininity.
I’m going to pause for a moment to review what we have so far. Body type, dress, and grooming have all been ruled out as the sole factor when determining where someone sits on the arbitrary butch/femme scale we’ve created. As they should be, because there are exceptions to every rule. However, it’s becoming apparent that when all three factors agree, we can be fairly certain of the verdict. Shoryl, with her slim figure and short hair, in a suit? Very butch. Me, with my curves and long hair, in a dress? Very femme. StemmedRose, with an ample figure, short hair, in a dress? Ah, that we haven’t explained yet…
We move now from focusing on the physical appearance of masculinity or femininity, to the behavioral appearance of such. When you get to know someone a bit better, you can be more certain of the label you’ve previously applied – more information is available to you.
Habits and hobbies are a fairly straight forward category, and one of the easiest defined. As long as you don’t go too far back, you can say, “what’s a stereotypical hobby for a man or a woman?” I knit, crochet, sew, and spin. In recent decades, these have all been cast as “feminine” hobbies. Shoryl … well, Shoryl likes power tools. A lot. I’ve seen her light up with absolute glee when she describes her snowblower. She also makes chainmail. And plays video games. While “masculine” hobbies aren’t quite as defined, these aren’t traditionally feminine hobbies. What about our middle ground, StemmedRose? She beads and quilts – traditionally feminine hobbies. She also helps Shoryl around the house, willingly – and very capably. (Whereas I am willing, but require direction.)
As far as the assumption of traditional gender roles, I’m going to be brief, since this is already approaching massive size. We occasionally joke that Shoryl is the perfect gentleman. When we’re “dressed,” she opens all the doors, including the car doors. She also pulls my seat out for me if the waiter neglects to do it, and takes my coat. When we’re walking, I am on her arm. While this is indicative of our own choice of roles on the butch/femme continuum, it’s more about the roles we assume in our own relationship. Nonetheless, to a casual observer, the assumption of these roles is going to point firmly in the expected direction. Now, I don’t happen to know how StemmedRose acts on a date, having never seen it, but I’m betting she doesn’t open her partner’s door. However, is that because she’s assuming a butch role, or because her partner is always male, therefore having more “claim” to the traditional male roles?
From what we’ve seen so far, StemmedRose is coming down slightly on the femme side of our equation. So why do I put her in the “butch” category? It’s more than looks, more than hobbies and mannerisms; it’s attitude.
Past Appearances
We’ve more than adequately discussed appearances by now, and reached a conclusion that seems to indicate that, if all appearances agree, then that’s enough to apply a label of butch or femme. However, we’re still missing a piece of the puzzle. We haven’t been able to explain why StemmedRose scans as “butch,” nor have we answered the original question of how one thinks like a butch girl, though we’ve established how one can look like one.
Because of the depth of the topic, I’m going to leave the discussion of aggression and passivity alone for right now. I’m not conceding my point to the dictionaries – far from it – but, really, this is getting massive. Let’s just say we’ll discuss it at another time.
So what does attitude have to do with it? If we look beyond observer-on-the-street appearances, what do we find? Here’s some thoughts (because I love to make lists):
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Poise
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Thought process
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Communication style
In poise, we have some of the answer to our question of how to label women like StemmedRose, whose appearance falls in a nice middle-ground. Anyone watching Shoryl, StemmedRose and I walking will make an immediate observation about the way we walk. Shoryl sometimes strides, and sometimes saunters, but she always unmistakably has the walk of a butch girl – brought on, I suspect, by combining a masculine walk with feminine hips. I sometimes sway, sometimes glide, and sometimes stalk, but whatever I’m doing, my hips are always in on it. Rather than swinging my legs straight out from the knee or hip, as Shoryl does, my stride comes sideways from my hips, which gives me an unmistakably feminine walk. StemmedRose walks with a purpose. Even in a dress, her walk comes more from the front, with little extraneous movement. Her stride is much more like Shoryl’s than like mine – which offsets some of the “femme” signals that her appearance gives her. Beyond walk, there’s an observable difference in how we carry ourselves. We joke that Shoryl lounges, and I lean. StemmedRose commonly stands with her hips aligned to her shoulders, her legs slightly spread, and her head up – all commonly “masculine” body language. I, despite all the injunctions to have good posture, almost always stand with a hip cocked. There are other things captured by the term “poise” as well, such as how we each hold our hands, our heads, and how we bend to retrieve something off the floor, but the examples above should be adequate to establish my point.
We’re finally getting to how I can think like a butch girl, but not be one, and why this might be confusing. With every possible criterion along the way, I’ve been firmly on the femme side of things – sometimes more than I would like (or like to admit). Anyone looking at me is likely to assume that I think in certain ways. But what are those?
While it would be difficult for a casual observer to discern thoughts, these can be perceived through speech patterns. Here, Shoryl, StemmedRose and I all agree. All three of us have a brusque way of speaking when we talk merely to exchange information. We tend to present the problem, our conclusion, and the points that led us to reach it. This essay, in fact, is an excellent example of that technique in my chosen medium.
What does this tell us about how “butch” women think? First, a small disclaimer: we’re painting in very broad strokes and, due to the nature of the subject, stereotypes are likely to occur. Not all stereotypes are negative, and can be valuable to learn what we assume about a particular group. You’ve been warned.
It tells us, actually, a great deal about how an outside observer (that’s important) thinks the typical woman thinks. The jokes are all old: women think with their emotions, they aren’t logical, they’re intuitive. Men, by contrast, are supposed to be logical, oriented toward problem-solving, and goal driven. Certainly there are exceptions to this rule – many of them. But we’re working within the collective popular opinion of American society. So, which of these two options sound more like how the three of us think? Yes, the world is going to see us as thinking like men. Since none of us are, in fact, men, we must be “butch,” since we’re giving the “appearance of masculinity.” Ergo, I think like a butch girl. But this isn’t enough to offset the preponderance of evidence pointing toward my being femme.
Conclusion
I think I’m finally ready to answer my question. Because it’s an awful long way up this post, let’s review:
What factors determine “butch” and “femme?” Is there a dividing line? Is there one definitive trait that says “I don’t care if you don’t have any other feminine traits, if you have ________, you’re femme.” Is it more than just a label to describe physical attributes – does it, in fact, say something about how you view the world around you?
The factors that determine the choice of a “butch” or “femme” label seem to group logically into two categories that I’ll refer to as appearance and expression. Appearance traits are those most likely to be observed by strangers on the street: body type, dress, and grooming. Expressive traits are more likely to be seen by people that know you: hobbies, poise, and communication. There doesn’t seem to be any one characteristic that leads to an automatic label, though body type and dress may be enough some in some cases. In general, someone is likely to be considered butch or femme depending on where the preponderance of evidence points. If there is an equal, or fairly equal, distribution between the two categories, the label applied is likely to be based on how well you are known by the person doing the labeling. Based on the label you are given, your thoughts and actions are expected to fall within certain parameters. This can confuse someone that sees a “femme girl,” and hears discourses on whatever esoteric topic is occupying her mind at the time!
So, I propose my own definitions:
Butch: A woman who exhibits many traits that are traditionally masculine in nature, including choice of appearance and self-representation.
Femme: A woman who exhibits many traits that are traditionally feminine in nature, including choice of appearance and self-representation.
**This has been an opinion courtesy of SilverRose. If you’re still here, I’m grateful. Comments, thoughts, and arguments fervently requested.
